Sweet and Sour
by gingerOHHsnap
Summary: Written for catskid100's Ultimate Fanfiction Challenge for crack pairings. Belarus wakes up in one of her usual moods only to walk into breakfast to find two..no, three? unexpected guests in her dining room. Canada x Belarus, crack. Minor RussiaChinaUSA.


**Title :: Sweet and Sour  
Author :: gingerOHHsnap  
Rating :: T  
Pairing :: Canada x Belarus**

**Disclaimer :: I don't own anything.  
**

**  
****A/N :: This story also includes a bit of a side-plot that deserves an extra title. Please enjoy "Sweet and Sour" with a side of "Russia's Awkward Dinner Table Orgy". **

For such a bitter girl, she really loved sweet things.

Belarus closed her eyelids over the glistening violet orbs that were currently glazed over with pure pleasure. She was sitting in her bedroom, a painfully private place for her, watching her favorite soap opera, and indulging in what seemed to be a jumbo-sized vat of _maple syrup_. Of course, by jumbo-sized one would be very safe to assume that the tub of crystallized sugar was around the size of a wheelbarrow. In fact, it almost appeared that Belarus had simply _taken_ a wheelbarrow and ..._filled it_ with maple syrup! That's just what she had done.

Natalia was stoic as the flickering screen reflected against her pale, unchanging face. Finally, the damned commercial about toothpaste or whatever was over, and her program returned. Her eyes, and only her eyes, lit up as Roberto came back onto the screen, clinging to Mathilda gently. The two locked eyes brilliantly and Belarus felt her foot twitch. As Roberto stared elegantly into the face of his starcrossed lover, his lips parted and he made a confession. Belarus's momentary bliss melted away as she tried to process his words. Her eyes flashed with what seemed to be murderous rage, and in only a second she'd picked up her shining blade and plunged it into the TV screen.

"WHAT DO YOU _MEAN_ YOU CAN'T MARRY HER? YOU LYING, CHEATING, DISGUSTING, FILTHY, HORRIBLE….." She went on with the adjectives, each time plummeting her blade into the screen and sending sparks into the air. The TV set was soon reduced to nothing more than what seemed to be a crooked box filled with wires and dust; there was a similar looking one in the corner of the room, and an identical one in the closet. She was panting, and Natalia felt herself let go of the blade.

Oh well, it was a rerun anyway. She knew how it ended…. Mathilda would run away in tears to seclude herself in the woods. There she would meet Lysander, who would begin talking to her. He would wipe the tears from her face, speak to her softly, and then take her away on Roberto's horse and take her to a secluded riverbed to swim. It was all _very_ unrealistic.

Her internal recap was interrupted was interrupted as a voice rang out in the hallway.

_Breakfast time._

Sure, maybe she'd overreacted a bit… but that Roberto just didn't understand the passionate, undying love that Mathilda had for him. How could he just not marry her? Okay, sure, maybe Natalia was a bit moody due to…well…_female issues_, but she couldn't help that she got this way around the 28th of the month. It wasn't _her_ fault. Natalia's shoes pressed against the plush but ragged carpet of her bedroom and slid over to the door. As she entered the hallway and the sole of her shoe clicked against the wood floor, Belarus's violet eyes stung at the comparatively bright hallway. She paced down the hallway and into the main room of the large Baltic mansion. She was the only one in the house wearing shoes, but that was no matter. Belarus always wore shoes.

She arrived in the dining room to see more faces than usual. Around their extraordinarily long table sat, as usual, Ivan at the far end, Ukraine at the other end, her own empty seat in the middle, then two other guests. Slowing down a bit as she examined this, she saw that America and China were sitting with them for breakfast. Why the hell were they here at such a time in the morning- and why did everyone look so goddamn awkward except Ivan??

"Good morning, Natalia." Ukraine said, rather relieved sounding to have another person in the room. Belarus simply raised an eyebrow slowly, looking between China, America, and Russia. Why were both America and China wearing what seemed to be shirts belonging to Ivan…? She sat down at the table and looked down at her plate; eggs.

She scowled a bit-- she didn't much like eggs…. She reached her hand across the table to where the usual condiments were, and grabbed the maple syrup. She shot a glance at China, who seemed horrified as she drenched her eggs in the sugary substance. He seemed as if he was going to protest, but Belarus gave him a look that screamed "say anything and you'll be choking on the stuff.".

"So, explain again please." Ivan broke the thickening awkward silence that seemed to be crowding all of them. Yao and Alfred both jumped; the Chinaman more meekly than the American. "Why Americans are so fat but have such smal---"

"A-AH, B-Belarus, how did you sleep?" Ukraine broke in as Alfred and Yao both burst into awkward fits of cutting up their toast. Alfred looked up at Belarus as if praying for her to say something that would distract the table from what Ivan had just said, or at the very least distract Ivan. Belarus did nothing but continue pouring syrup onto her eggs.

"I didn't."

The silence continued to ring out in the room as everyone except Ivan and Belarus tried to look at nothing but their plates. After a while, Ivan broke the silence once more.

"So, Yao." He began, the entire table looked at him in fear of whatever he was about to say. "When do you want that Panda suit back? We will have to wash it, it's covered in---"

"OH, BELARUS!" This time Alfred was the one to break in, looking frantically at the closest person to him. Why did everyone use _her _as the scapegoat? Belarus seethed and stared at the annoying man. "Y-You must like maple syrup….an awful lot."

It was the first think Alfred had thought of. As soon as he said it, he felt very small and scared. Belarus looked at him, having realized that she had yet to stop pouring the syrup. She'd been busy plotting ways to kill Ivan's little bootycalls, and hadn't looked at her breakfast since.

"Ah, yes." She said calmly, putting down the syrup and picking up her butterknife. Instead of cutting the eggs, she played with it absently out of habit. "I… like maple." She said, at a loss for other words.

"Oh, if you want some, I-I have plenty back at home."

The entire table went silent once again.

"W-What the hell was that?" Alfred said, looking around the room in a panic. Everyone in the room had looked to the corner of the dining room where a small chair stood, appearing empty with a plate of toast sitting on it.

"D-Did that toast just… _say_ something?" Ukraine said, her face in utter horror. Little did anyone, except maybe Ivan, know, but Ukraine had a dark phobia of talking breakfast foods.

"Toast? No, it's me… Canada." The toast said, rather exasperatedly. Slowly, everyone's expression in the room widened and blinked. Before their very eyes a blonde man, very identical to Alfred, had appeared in the chair with the toast. Everyone sort of gaped in awe, else than Ivan and Natalia. Ivan continued looking down the table at Yao and Alfred with a pasted, eerie smile on his face. Natalia just looked stoic. Canada continued awkwardly smiling at everyone for a second, then looked back at his toast and continued eating.

"M-Matty, how long have you been here? And how did you get here?" Alfred said, a bit stunned overall. Canada tilted his head at his brother and frowned.

"You don't remember, do you….? You brought me here, to take me over to France's place last night…." He said, sighing a bit. "You said 'I'll just be a minute here with Russia, stay in the car.' After around an hour my toes went numb I came in and found a place to sit. I've been here all night."

Everyone in the room was trying to get past the plain creepy, yet saddening thing that was Canada's life. Alfred was toiling over his eggs, trying to remember whether or not that really happened, and China had simply resorted to hiding hid face in his arms. Belarus had ceased sharpening her butterknife and was now looking at Alfred without stop. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding, da? Maybe Ivan really hadn't kidnapped two innocent countries in the middle of the night on false premises and kept them up all night…. Maybe they were just playing Twister. Maybe this was all a ridiculous plot for an elaborate marriage proposal on public television, and any minute now Ivan would pop out of his seat and shove a diamond in her face. Yeah, any minute now it would happen.

"So, Matthew," Ivan began as everyone in the room began to die inside. "Are you _completely_ identical to Alfred? I heard Canadians have bigger---"

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!" Belarus jumped up from the table and threw her dishes onto the floor. Her eyes were bloodshot and her face was frightening as she tipped her chair over and stormed out of the room. "I'LL _KILL_ THEM ALL!!!"

The sound of stomping and finally a slam of a door was the only thing to be heard at the awkward table as everyone tried to think of some excuse to leave. No one had touched their food except Ivan, who was helping himself to another waffle. Canada looked at everyone, noticing that almost everyone had forgotten his presence again. He slowly placed his dishes on the chair he was in and stood up, testing to see if anyone looked at him. No, he seemed to be completely invisible. He slowly began to slip out of the room and finally manage to escape entirely without making a peep. He followed suit after Belarus only hearing one final voice before the door shut.

"So, Yao…."

----

_Maybe I can call a cab? No, cabs never notice me. Maybe if I hitchhike….. that's dangerous around here, isn't it? Oh my god…What if some scary Russian picked me up..?? ..Do all Russians look like Ivan? Gah, maybe I can hotwire a car.._ Canada's thoughts were interrupted as he heard a noise behind him. Looking around, he spotted a small black bow protruding from around a corner. With the constant ability of being in rooms unnoticed, Canada had developed a habit of eavesdropping. In fact, he'd discovered some very interesting (and sometimes disturbing) things that way. Stepping awkwardly towards the wall, Matthew sided his way over to the Belarusian and listened closely.

"Stupid…stupid…_Ivan_!" she muttered, the tip of her knife glimmering in the morning sun as it dove into the dirt time and time again. With every word it seemed she would stab another thing. "Stupid _Alfred,_ and stupid _Chinese guy_!!!" She whispered in a voice combating a banshee's. "Stupid _sister… _stupid _me_."

"You seemed to have forgotten someone." A voice appeared out of nowhere in front of Belarus and she screamed, jumping as the knife in her hand flew through the air. Luckily, the kneeling Canadian managed to catch the knife and sort of fall onto his bum. He rubbed his backside a bit and crossed his legs, looking face-to-face at Belarus. "Scared you? Yeah, sorry, I tend to do that a lot."

Belarus just gaped at the man. How the hell did he _do_ that?? I mean, sure, Belarus was rather practiced in sneaking around…. but she wasn't nearly as skilled at this guy. How did he keep himself invisible up until the point where he was right in front of her??? Belarus contemplated the subject briefly until it hit her. Canada was a ninja. It was so obvious! Sure, he didn't really seem like the type (it kind of seemed like more of Japan's shtick) but that was what made him so good!! No one suspected it, and so no one would ever find out…._except for Belarus_, that is.

After a couple of seconds of Belarus making strange, thoughtful faces to herself as Canada watched curiously, Belarus realized she had distracted herself. She realized she'd sort of forgotten Canada was there…_while_ she was thinking about him.

_You win again, Cananinja…_ She thought to herself, then centered herself back into reality as she felt something brush her face.

"Were you crying, Belarus?" Canada asked, a natural look of sympathy on his face. Her violet eyes slowly shifted upwards, widening a bit as she saw the small drop of liquid on his fingertip. Had she not wiped that away? Goddamnit…. Her eyes narrowed at the man after her initial shock, and Canada's sympathetic expression turned to one of fear. "A-Ah, probably not. It's probably…erm….dew."

This awkward silence was reserved for just Belarus and Canada as they sat next to one another, staring at one another with different expressions. Belarus watched him seethingly as he looked innocently back and forth between her face and the knife he was still holding. After a second, Belarus's eyes fell to the blade, and Matthew's followed. After a moment he flushed and quickly handed the knife back to Natalia.

"S-Sorry." He said meekly. "So, N-Natalia," Belarus glared at him at the use of her real name. Canada was oblivious. "You, uh, like maple syrup huh? What do you like about it?" Canada sweat a bit as Belarus raised an eyebrow.

"It tastes good." She said simply, shrugging.

"A-Ah, I see. Very, err…interesting." Canada was at a loss of conversation, and was beginning to wonder why he'd stopped to talk to her in the first place. "I have a lot of maple back home…if you want, I could bring you some?" He said, watching as Belarus silently looked at him. "W-What do you have a lot of in Belarus?"

Belarus thought a moment, having been momentarily distracted by the thought of a lifetime supply of maple. She returned her vacant gaze to the blonde. Although she was still cold and bitter, one could tell she was opening up a little bit by the fact that she was no longer holding a grip on her knife.

"Our largest industry is in metal cutting…" She said after a few seconds, bluntly staring at him. Canada's face was priceless as his heart fell. Ah, metal cutting…. Of course. His eyes examined the knife she was holding as he only wished it would distract her somehow and allow him to leave the premises. She was right, though… the knife was cut very professionally. "We also produce mechanics…"

It was then that Canada had the idea.

"Natal---Ah, Belarus…..You don't…..know how to hotwire a car, do you?"

Natalia blinked. She was surprised, not because of _what_ he'd asked (she'd been asked to hotwire a car before) but because of the fact that _Canada_, this mysterious quiet little goody-two-shoes, was asking her?? A small, devious grin spread across her face as she darkly stood up and parted her lips.

"Where's the car?"

---

Meanwhile, inside the house most everyone had forgotten about Belarus's outburst. Ukraine had long left the table after feigning a heart attack and crawling out of the room before anyone could say anything. Now it was just Alfred, Yao, and Ivan.

"And then I said, in Soviet Russia, hamburgers eat YOU!" Alfred said, grinning like an idiot at his own joke. There was no laughter. Ivan looked at him with a glazed over smile on his face as Yao nervously looked between the two.

"I don't get it, da?" Ivan said, tilting his head at the American. Alfred laughed nervously, and tried to think of an explanation.

"I-It's a popular joke in America, Ivan." Yao broke in, laughing lightheartedly. "It has something to do with culture, or something…."

Ivan blinked a bit, then burst out laughing. Alfred joined in after a moment, then Yao awkwardly smiled too. Ivan guffawed and chortled and practically choked on what seemed to be his 8th waffle. After a few minutes of this, Alfred and Yao proceeded to just sort of look at him.

"Aaaah, hahaha. I get it now, Alfred. I get it!" He said, giggling between words. "I have one for you now, da? In United American States, Americans eat _everything_! Cho-ho-ho!!"

Alfred didn't bother to explain.

----

"EEEEEEEEEEYAAAAHHHHHH!" Matthew's voice was louder than it had ever been as the frail red pickup truck sped down the icy roads. "B-B-B-Belarus, do you think y-you should, uh, s-s-slow down??" He asked, his hands clenching the armrests of his seats so hard that he thought his fingers might burst. Right as he said this the car came lurching to a stop. Canada felt himself, and the organs inside of him, lurch forward with such momentum that he lost control of his limbs. He felt himself grab on to the first thing he thought of, feeling a soft and warm figure against his arms. It was almost like a giant teddy bear…. but where woul-- Oh.

"A-Ah, Bela-- I mean Natalia-- I mean Belarus.. S-Sorry, I didn't--"

"Get out of the car." Belarus interrupted the Canadian, pushing the car door open with a slam and wrenching herself from his grasp without a thought to it. Canada nervously fumbled with his seatbelt then sort of tumbled out of the car. He looked around to where they were only to see a snowy embankment leading down to what looked like a small creek. He frowned. Matthew had sort of hoped that Belarus would have caught the inconspicuous hints he'd dropped in the car about going to the airport…such as _Oh, look, an airplane. I wonder if I'll ride on a plane like that when I go home later tonight.._ and _Hm, I wonder how far the airport is from here.._ and in a desperate attempt at catching her attention, _I would very much like to go to the airport. _

If he knew anything about Russia-- or Belarus, he wasn't even sure where they were at this point-- it was definitely not the airport. He sighed in a rather exasperated tone as he turned towards Belarus, opening his mouth to say something when his face froze. His mouth was agape and only widened further with his eyes as he found himself stairing at a Belarus clad in only her bra and panties. W-What on earth?? He immediately turned around and covered his eyes, an extra measure he felt he needed, and began to stutter furiously.

"B-B-Belarus, what are you doing? I-It's freezing out here, are yo--"

"Are you going to swim with me or not? Take off your clothes." Natalia said bitterly as she waded into the river without a second thought. Canada blinked for a moment, wondering how on earth she could be so scantily clad in such freezing water. Belarus suddenly turned to him again, shooting him a piercing stare. "_I said strip!!!!_" Her voice was strung with ice and murderous intent.

Canada quickly obliged. He nervously took his clothes off down to his boxers, which were printed with maple leaves, and walked slowly towards the water.

Meanwhile, Belarus looked at him vacantly with interested eyes. The fact that she had stared at him during the entire clothes-shedding experience had made Matthew turn a violent shade of crimson, all over his body for that matter. Belarus just smirked, watching him with amusement. Canada's frame was thin, but sculpted. He wasn't pudgy and hairy like America was, but he was sleek and well built. She giggled a bit at the sight of his boxers, and waded further into the water.

_I'd tap that._

What the hell was wrong with these slavics? First Ivan, like, rapes his brother or whatever the hell had happened last night, and now Canada was to be taken by another? What on earth was Ukraine doing right now? Canada just closed his eyes tight and looked at the water nervously.

"A-Ah, Belarus.. I'm not sure this water is…Well, I mean, I have cold water back home, but I never swim in it--"

"Just get in." Her tone was commanding, and as Canada slowly touched a toe into the water Belarus leapt up and pulled Matthew in violently.

He expected needles. He expected painful pricks of ice cold water to sting all over him with a sensation of an iron maiden-- but instead? He felt a warm, toasty, _pleasant_ river flowing around him. He blinked. There wasn't any chance that there was some sort of hot spring below this river, was there? That was so unlikely…yet he supposed it was possible. He waded himself in the water a bit, feeling the sandy floor beneath him lightly brush against his toes. While he was distracted with the water, he hadn't noticed Belarus come up from behind him.

"I've got you now, Maple Ninja!!" She said with an almost deranged grin on her face. She jumped onto Matthews back and began trying furiously to dunk him under the water. She wasn't aware of her own actions at this point; the days without sleep and her stress was finally beginning to catch up with her. She was truly losing it, it seemed, as she tipped the young Canadian over and into the water.

Strangely, as Matthew breached from under the spring and found himself facing the violet eyes of a cold-blooded psychopath, the Canadian couldn't find himself _more_ attracted. Maybe he'd been drugged, he didn't know, but he found himself placing his hands loosely around the woman's bare stomach and gazing into the violet orbs in front of him. "Belarus… do you love…your brother?" He asked, sort of awkwardly, looking at her. He'd never before been with a woman that had been so murderously insane, but at the same time he'd never been with a woman that had spent so much time with him without forgetting his name. Belarus looked at him with something strange. It was first a look that seemed dangerous--then one that looked sad.. Then, slowly, Canada saw something that no one else on earth had witnessed in what seemed like centuries, if not forever. It was almost creepy, yet at the same time heartwarming.

Belarus smiled.

"Stupid.. Ivan couldn't care less if I didn't exist." she said, looking at Canada. He couldn't tell if he was saddened or joyed by this, and he couldn't figure out why he cared. All he could determine was that he enjoyed seeing Belarus smile.

"I know the feeling."

"I know you do." She said in return, and in an instant she had leaned her head forward and met her lips with Matthews. The two slowly let their bodies meet, and soon Matthew found himself pressing his own lips back with sparks sliding up his face. Soon their shy conjoining had turned into a passionate, rough one. Their kisses became faster and harder, and soon Belarus found herself pulling Canada violently under the water with her. Belarus was slightly masochistic in her love-making….but Canada hadn't minded. Her claws tore into the bare skin on Matthews back and she dug her teeth into his shoulder. His back arched at this in a way he'd never expected he'd enjoy being attacked by Belarus. Over the night the two remained underwater for long periods of time, only breaching up to get air. That night the hot spring under the river got just a bit hotter.

-----

It all seemed like a dream really, Matthew thought to himself about that night warily as he sat in the kitchen of Alfred's home. He'd been reluctant to visit when Alfred had called for an urgent Canada-America meeting, but in the past his worst fear had been that Alfred would leave him in a home with someone scary like Belarus….and he supposed he wouldn't mind that. He had brought along his mail, and was slowly going through the bills and whatnot until he found the envelope he'd wanted. As he began to open it, he cringed as he heard Alfred call out from the corner.

A rather distraught looking American came shuffling out of the bathroom, his knickers at his ankles and waving about a white stick.

"M-M-Mattheewwwww!" Alfred said, looking around in panic as if he couldn't find his brother. Matthew waved his hand, only a few feet in front of the man, and Alfred blinked, then continued his antics. "W-W-What does it say?? How long does it take??? Do you think it should be taking this long??"

Matthew sighed, and picked up the box on the table with an unsure stare.

"Um, it says it will take five minutes.." the Canadian said, looking with a troubled stare at the box, then back at Alfred. "Alfred, really…I don't think you need to be taking a pregnancy test. I mean, only women can g--"

"NU-UH!" Alfred shouted, pointing the pregnancy stick at Matthew violently in the face. Matthew grimaced a bit as a liquid he didn't want to identify dripped from the tip. Ew. "T-T-That _guy_, h-h-he got pregnant!! It was in the news, remember? AND HE WAS ONE OF ME!!!" Alfred was absolutely frantic.

"But, Alfred, I though--"

"I mean, the last thing I want is to be stuck with some baby just because Ivan had to get ho--" Alfred stopped and looked at the Canadian with a blush. "I mean…. To catch some sort of weird thing off of a toilet seat somewhere…!! That can happen, y-you know."

Canada opened the letter he'd been holding and just sort of nodded at Alfred as he tuned him out, reading the letter. He smiled a bit, recognizing the scratchy and blotty handwriting of Natalia. The letter was casual, but interesting. They'd written back and forth for around a week now, ever since the…incident. Of course, no one else knew about it…

"A-And, you know, I've been really _hungry_ lately!! They say pregnant women are _hungry!!! A-AAnd, I mean, look at my stomach!" Alfred pulled up his shirt right as Canada looked up, and then of course immediately looked back down at the coffee he'd poured himself. He blew on it a bit, waiting for it to cool off. The bubbles at the top swirled around in the cup and the smell of it cleared Matthew's sinuses. His coffee was black, as usual. He'd ignored the vast tray of sugars and sweeteners on Alfred's table, as he didn't like them in his coffee._

_For such a sweet boy, he really did like bitter things._


End file.
